Expression

For the words that I couldn't express .. Here are my thoughts for your understanding..

I don't have any grudges or problems with you neither do i hate or dislike you. Far from all of those. Probably its just me. And it need not be all about him. I've learnt to be emotionally stronger that even at times when i feel disturbed , i try to sustain my emotions. I'm even proud of myself when i discovered that i could handle it pretty well. Not until i chatted with you the other time. It seems like no one could understand me better than you do that when i don't tell you things, you seemed to know what has been playing in my mind. That broke me into tears which I've held for soooo long. I feel that i don't need to tell and elaborate so much in order to feel relieved. Its ironic but its true though.

I think i expected too much from you that anything you said may let me think otherwise. I think i am selfish so as to make you understand that you need to mind your every words when talking to me. I think i am being self-centred that i expect you to be there for me whenever i need you, knowing that you've your own life to lead.

Above all, I think i am paranoid. I know you feel offended upon my cold attitude. I'm sorry.
It has never cross my mind to take out any resentments, anger or emotional outburst at you..
Never.

Forget about what had happened during our conversation just now. It was unintentional. Work has been a bitch. I've been faking throughout, making things look normal when it isn't and i thought that you would make me feel better in a way or two. Eventually, you did. The moment we chatted, i could feel your presence and serious shit, i feel the need to cry, to pour out all the emotional baggages that i've been keeping all this while. It's never nothing that i wanna tell you, but i feel i don't want to burden you further with my emotional outbursts. I've decided to keep everything to myself.

Apparently, your words are easier said than to be done. You can't keep pushing me to think like how you think. You can't make me lead my lifestyle like the way you are. I've accepted whatever that had happened to me, I can accept your advices & I do really appreciate that. But at the end of the day, its my decision to dictate my own life, to reshape my destiny and to lead my life. Even if the path i will be taking is going to be a painful one, i hope that you would support me for everything that i do cos you know that you've been my pillar of strength since eons ago... And you should know that i've been supportive in everything that you do.

I guess I need to learn to give you space & quit thinking that you would be there for me everytime in my moments of despair, knowing that you have your other half to occupy your time as well. Ultimately, I don't want to create any strains with you. Like I've said, I lost him.. With that, I can't afford to lose you .. For whatever reason that is.

As a friend, I'm happy to see that you are happy even when I'm not, individually.

And this entry is for real, Nadzry.